In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
