Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
