he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
