I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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