Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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