Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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