next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
