he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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