this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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