Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
