Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
