So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
