My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
