She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Those nachos came to me in a dream
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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