it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
