bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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