why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
