Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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