Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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