thus making me awesome and them whores
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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