I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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