whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
