WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
