3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
