I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
