True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You may now shotgun with the bride
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
