Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
