please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
