I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
