I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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