if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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