remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
