She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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