If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
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Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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