Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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