nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You took a bar mat shot.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
