The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
