Swine flu. Run for my life!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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