i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.