You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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