you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.