after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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