You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce