Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
