I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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