Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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