how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
