We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
