so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
