you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
