We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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