Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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