I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
