my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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