It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
