Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
