he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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