He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
