The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize