girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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