why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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