My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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