could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
