Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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