i just wanna soil my oats bro
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
